as told by Glenn Elliott on the EHS Message Board

ta-ran-tu-la ( ta - ranch' - a - la ) n. large, hairy, venomous spider (fr. Taranto) Even the name conjurs up fear of creepy, crawly, hairy legged monsters seen on the highways at dawn. So it was appropriate that scientists named this particular species Carniverous Tarantoeuniceo. They came like armies at dawn, always crawling along from east to west. But why? What prompted this species to have a compass towards our town? And why so many on highway l8 and seen at daybreak about this time of year? The Southeastern New Mexico Entomological Society had written papers about the new phenomenon. National Geographic had sent photographers and writers to town and sleazy tabloid journalists (?) had come to observe.... to be continued...

BEVERLY HARVEY 1967:  Oh Goody! Glenn is going to tell us another story!

LYNDA RAGAN 1960:  Just as long as they keep those dreadful things in New Mexico I will be happy !! Please continue with the story as I can tolerate hearing about them from way up here. hehehe But my personal opinion is that they love that Tex-Mex music and they've come to dance!!! Yeeeeeeehaaaaaa boot scooting boogie. I can just see those hairy legs now doing the Texas Two Step right down the middle of the highway.

BEVERLY HARVEY 1967: Lynda, Excuse me, but don't you mean the Texas 8 step?

Noted arachnologist John "Creepy" Capstone had come from Artesia's Tarantula Society to confer with city officials regarding the origin of this new species and why they always headed for Eunice. Arachnids like the tarantula usually live in holes in the ground and hunker down during the heat of the day, only to come out early in the morning to feed and roam. For years kids had been tempting them out during daylight hours by pouring gasoline down the hole. Handling the little buggers was a dicey thing to do, since some have itch-causing hairs on their stomachs. It was rumored they had also been migrating north towards Alaska's Cook Inlet by adapting to cold weather. Fearing the worst, the town geared up with sprayers and arachnophophic attitude. ...to be continued..

LYNDA RAGAN 1960:  We spent the summer in Texas the year my son was 8. His biggest delight that summer was taking his grandmothers broom and hunting for trantula's. When he would find one he would smack it with that broom sending legs flying every direction... If those critters are headed up here I am stocking up on brooms! Forget all that fancy equipment, I can swing a mean broom....If they survive me, eight legs or not, their dancing will slow to a very slow waltz..hehehehe They will soon be hitching rides back to the hot country.

  ...meanwhile as scientists huddled, their brains swollen with arachanova, they finally hit upon an idea. They determined to track the tarantulas. But how? Ah ha! Nowdays you do that with radio tracking collars and space technology global positioning satellites. Imagine the scene: Grown men on hands and knees catching the hairy-legged monsters and attaching tiny radio transmitters to their backs. GPS transmitters beaming up to the sky and reporting down to Roswell's Institute for the Terminally Weird. What technology! What a way to spend big money! Naturally the Federal Government wanted to get in on the show. Somehow this could be parlayed into a major program with pork barrel and all. Politicians were ecstatic. It was an election year!!!...to be continued...

BEVERLY HARVEY 1967:  TWO  DAYS YOU HAVE LEFT US HANGING GLENN! COME ON!!!

 ...meanwhile the hairy-legged monsters kept coming from somewhere along the Andrews highway. Why? Where do they live? Someone suggested a night vigil and people assembled at midnight near the RKC at the "Y". Unfortunately the RKC was already closed for the night. Therefore no coffee or other goodies could be dispensed. A few nights later, investigating on his own, a lightplane pilot flew over the area east of town along the Andrews highway. Following the radio beacon of emerging trantulas he triangulated on something along the caprock outcroppings. An anomaly? A coincidence?Under light of a full moon he thought he could make out a monsterous l2'-tall tarantula. Could this be the Mother of them All? ..... could it????? He didn't want to talk about it......to be continued....(whenever I'm ready)

BEVERLY HARVEY 1967:  Glenn, what do you mean by "whenever I am ready?" COME ON!

This is very taxing on my old brain. I could get an aneurysm. My red corpuscle only goes over from the left side of my brain to the right once a day. I have to strike when the mood is right. I have to ask myself: "I started this, now how do I end it?" Patience while I cogitate. Glenn aka Herr Docktor Psycho Babble

BEVERLY HARVEY 1967:  Glenn, You mean you have us hanging on to your every word, and EVEN YOU DON'T KNOW HOW THIS WILL END??????

ANN BERTRAND 1954:   Glenn, What if (Heaven Forbid) something were to keep you from finishing this tale????? Who could possibly fill your shoes????? Could Fred or Jerry do it????? You need to think about this and have a stand-in ready............Annie

LYNDA RAGAN 1960:   Come on Glenn, tell us the rest !! This is worse than "Who Shot JR "...  I've attached a bit of music to move those creatures along a mite faster. Maybe it will get those brain cells working...hehehehe

Yes, the music helped. Thanks!...meanwhile the private pilot was interviewed by the CIA, FBI, CBS, NBC, ABC, PDQ and Jerry Springer. He refused to reveal what he had seen and also refused the popular lie dectector test and even DNA test. What could he be hiding? Did he really see Le' Grand MotherTarantula responsible for all those hairy creatures? As tension mounted in town some were even selling tee shirts imprinted: "I Saw Momma Monster" with a huge brown tarantula image. The Nasty Guard and Hobbs Swat teams took up positions overlooking the reported site of the cavern east of town. Then flame throwers were brought in as officials anticipated fire may be necessary to eradicate a huge nest of tarantula eggs. Hatching of the eggs only occurs during night hours. The cave was full of thousands and hatchlings were trying their little black hairy legs. The scene was one of swarming, squirming life and coming menace!...continued....

BEVERLY HARVEY 1967:   AND??????????????????

and suddenly it became popular to keep them as pets. Everywhere little cages containing the furry little monsters were replacing common household pets such as fighting cocks. The roosters were p.o.'d. But was there danger in handling tarantulas? Some say yes, and some say no. Noted arachnoidologists were brought in from Niceville, FL, to study the danger. Their conclusions were inconclusive. At the same time Le'Grand Momma Trantula began to show signs of aggression and restlessness. She started moving west toward town.......No! Not that!!....

BEVERLY HARVEY 1967:   Just please don't let her head East. It is too NICE here to have those creatures heading this way.

LYNDA RAGAN 1960:  That could be some cock fight ( errrrr I mean tarantula) if they could hold all those legs still long enough to put gaffs on them. hehehe  Now surely the animal rights people could not frown on that!!!

...then, just out of nowhere, came big semi vans carrying big speakers, stage sets, and sound equipment.They set up right on main street and locals watched as funny looking people errected sets. Sound checks began. It was loud, loud, LOUD!. Screeching microphones, feedback, distorted guitar warmups. Crowds gathered as the fascination increased. Meanwhile local girls had quit shaving their legs in an attempt to get the "tarantla look." It was disgusting! Saturday night: Big event! Again they came from the east in thousands, gathering at the new stage. And out of the misty, glitzy, stage effects came a vison never seen before--Le'Grand Momma tarantula dancing on the stage as young girls mimicked her moves. Hairy legs everywhere, undulating to the new dance craze--The Tarantula.It was THE NIGHT OF THE TARANTULA! (Music up and out)

BEVERLY HARVEY 1967:  Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Glenn!

My warmest apologies to arachnophiles everywhere, People for Spiders, The Institute for Arachnoids, Shaving Cream Companies of America, The Project for Reunion Y2K, friends, relatives, fellow classmates, and anyone I overlooked. Glenn

Back to the Table of Contents for Tall Tales